Sept. 11: What to Expect When You're Expecting

"A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn't always deliver what's expected."

Directed by: Kirk Jones, Rated: PG-13, 110 minutes

It's only fair that after making my girlfriend watch Snatch, Sin City, and other manly movies, she would make me watch something of the rom-com persuasion. It just so happens (kill me now) that What to Expect When You're Expecting popped up at Redbox. This film has everything in a film that makes you hate movies, life, and anything else related to the term "chick-flick". The idea that a movie could be adapted from one of the most un-adaptable books of all time is disgusting, but then throw in a cast of some of the most hated actors and actresses (in my mind) and What To Expect When You're Expecting is torturous to watch. 

Whenever you have the f**ker from Glee in a movie, you know you're gonna have to a bad time. 

There's so much to hate about this movie. A bunch of good looking rich people get knocked up and "struggle" through their pregnancies and births, wondering how to raise a kid that's not even here yet and learning what it means to be a parent. None of the characters have any depth or emotion to them, and sympathizing with any of them is damn near impossible. Even the sometimes Elizabeth Banks turns into a character that's too cliche and stupid to care about, and each line she mutters is something you've heard 1000 times before. The rest of the cast is just as unlikable, with people that shouldn't even bother acting, actually participating in the film. Jennifer Lopez, Matthew Morrison, Brookyln Decker, and Cameron Diaz are all unfit for movies (hate me if you want) and seeing them try and carry a film is simply laughable. Throw in a ton of other recognizable faces and you still have a shit movie. It's funny how studios think that throwing a bunch of somewhat "talented" people into a film will make it good, when really none of them have any acting chops worth awarding or recognizing. 

The film even features The Quaid as an ex-NASCAR driver who's always in Margaritaville. 

One of the worst parts of this film is the ending. As every film of this "style" does, everything comes together in the end at the hospital. Obviously through the magic of movies, everything happens at the same time and the entire cast, even those you didn't think were related, somehow manage to come together. It's a lazy technique to wrap everything up and the fact the filmmakers think it's a good ending is even worse. It's also worth mentioning that a movie based off of a self-help book teaches absolutely nothing about pregnancy or babies in general. Unless of course you count arguing about circumcising, epidurals, or buying an incredible house (for the baby). 

Go to sleep, Junior. There's nothing to see (or enjoy) here. 

As you can imagine, I would highly recommend staying away from this movie. It's hands down one of the worst movie of not only the year, but in recent memory. As you can tell, I didn't even both attempting to explain the plot, as there is very little outside of pregnant people with a ton of money complaining about having a baby. The guys in the film, in their own little "Baby Club", may have stolen the movie and made it decent had every line they uttered not been force-fed to us in the trailers. There are no surprises in this flick, nor are there moments worth laughing at. It's a string of unfunny jokes with dated references (each 'relevant' pop culture reference has no lasting power) and a cast so easy to hate you can't even try to like this movie. Skip it. Burn it. Forget it. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:
see above (hint, it's everything)

Overall: 1.2/10

Trailer:

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Aug 23: ParaNorman

"A misunderstood boy, takes on ghosts, zombies and grown-ups to save his town from a centuries-old curse."

Directed by: Chris Butler & Sam Fell, Rated: PG, 93 minutes

There's a lot to be said about the world of 3D these days. A lot of people agree that the "gimmick" is simply a way to make more money and ride the cash wave of a fad while others genuinely think that it's the way of the future for film. I, on the other-hand, find 3D to be too distracting and not worthwhile. However, I have one exception to that idea and that is that 3D looks amazing with animated movies. ParaNorman, the newest "cartoon" to employ the use of 3D uses it to great effect and only strengthens my theory. It's a beautifully dark movie that relishes in its visuals and the 3D lets the audience truly enjoy what's playing out on screen. ParaNorman is a stop-motion animated film and with those pesky glasses sitting on your nose, you can pay attention to the closest of details so many animators worked at putting together.

Stay until after the credits for a quick peek at the actual character model creation, it's ridiculously impressive. 

Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is a regular young boy with quite unusual abilities. For as long as he can remember, he can see the dead, and converses with them on a daily basis. Be it with his grandma, whose ghost lingers in the house, or a bunch of old ghouls in town, Norman is always saying "Hello" to whoever he sees. Of course, this is looked upon as something strange and his classmates and even his own family ostracize the kid because he can see the dead. Norman's town, Blithe Hollow, looks down upon him as well, but when a witch's curse is set to bring the dead back to life in that very town, it's up to him (and only him) to save it. As his fellow townspeople slowly realize the strange and paranormal exist, he's aided by his new friend, Neil (Tucker Albrizzi), a bully named Alvin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), his sister Courtney (Anna Kendrick), and Neil's brother Mitch (Casey Afleck). Zombies, brought to life (or death?) by the evil witch invade his town and it's up to him to figure out a way to stop the curse. While ParaNorman's story sounds fun right off the bat, it's actually pretty dramatic and even shocking at times. Norman is completely alone in his own little world and the ridicule he suffers is almost hard to watch. The animators did a terrific job capturing his sadness and it really makes you feel bad for the kid. Also, at the heart of the story, involving the witch, her story is also dramatic and extremely depressing. These two parts are just some of the reasons why the film is not meant for kids. 

Toilet paper zombies are just the beginning...

As mentioned, ParaNorman's success is in its visuals. Laika Animation Studios, the people behind Coraline, return to the stop-motion world with finesse and beauty. Each scene is rich in detail and the character models look amazing. It's quite a sight to behold and the 3D manages to capture it in further detail. Along with the incredible animation, ParaNorman also has one hell of a soundtrack featuring songs written by Jon Brion as well as Season of the Witch by Donavan. The film's climax has an incredible song that is very reminiscent of Clint Mansell's score in The Fountain, so you can only imagine how powerful the music is. However, as much of the film has been advertised towards kids, the visuals have moments of genuine terror and I would not recommend it for the young ones. A lot of the humor is pulled right from the trailers too, and if you think you can go into the film expecting laugh after laugh, you're going to have a bad time. The movie is ridiculously mature for something PG (and animated) and the main conflict of the story is more of a history lesson than anything else. But don't think that this is a flaw of the film, as it really is a strength, but go into it knowing full well that it's not a fun, whimsical, magical ride through a little animated town. 

If you think Coraline is freaky, ParaNorman is much more creepier. 

As much as I would love to go into more detail about the ParaNorman's plot, there's not much I can talk about without giving away crucial details. It's sad, I'll leave it at that but still manages to inspire you with its visuals. It's definitely worth seeing in theaters and I would highly recommend catching it in 3D if you have the chance. The voice talent involved in the film is perfect, and along with the previously mentioned cast members, John Goodman, Leslie Mann, Jeff Garlin, and Bernard Hill also lend their voices to the film. I do wish that this film received a release closer to Halloween, but nonetheless, it at least put me in the mood for fall, which at this point of the summer cannot come soon enough. 

The Good:

incredible visuals that set the bar even higher in the world of animation as well a terrific soundtrack to accompany it

The Bad:

not as much a bad as it is an unexpected point, but the film packs a very mature story that has themes many adults would even find creepy (or sad)

The Ugly:

the thought that the plot central to the film has actually happened in our history and that the consequences of said plot point were really swept under the rug 

Overall: 7.8/10

Trailer:

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