Aug 19: The Rock

"A renegade general and his group of U.S. Marines take over Alcatraz and threaten San Francisco Bay with biological weapons. A chemical weapons specialist and the only man to have ever escaped from the Rock attempt to prevent chaos."

Directed by: Michael Bay, Rated: R, 136 minutes

Well before the Transformers movies, Michael Bay made a couple of decent action flicks. Sure, all of them were over-the-top, riddled with stupid humor, and have more holes in the plots than a Swiss cheese donut, but they're still pretty damn entertaining. After following the success of Bad Boys, Bay made The Rock, a Nicolas Cage vehicle with a little Sean Connery thrown into the mix. The movie isn't awful, by any means, but it's extremely dated and has plenty of flaws the biggest being that Cage plays a chemical biologist, a career the man has never had his name attached to before this film. 

Cage and his balls.

The Rock follows General Francis X. Hummel (Ed Harris), a retired military hero who has taken control of the island of Alcatraz in an attempt to scare the government into giving dead soldiers proper burials and their families compensation. The man clearly has good motives but his plan, launching a deadly chemical into the heart of San Francisco, turns the man into a terrorist. A special forces team of Navy Seals is enlisted by the FBI to infiltrate Alcatraz with the mission of stopping Hummel and his men. Of course, being a bloated action movie and all, Stanley Goodspeed (Cage) enters the picture as the man that has to come along because he's an expert concerning the chemical, even though he has absolutely no field experience. If you think about it, this a lot like what would have happened had Seal Team Six (who took out Osama) had a man tag along with them who's only experience with the mission was the fact he visited Pakistan when he was 12. Of course Cage and the ELITE NAVY SEALS can't do the mission on their own and have to enlist the help of John Patrick Mason (Sean Connery), the only man to have successfully escaped the rock in its entire history. And yes, what you're thinking is true. The U.S government (at the stake of national security) figure that the best way back into a place is to hire the man who broke out of it. Genius idea, government. Bravo.

Oh, that's right. It's mother f**king Sean Connery you hire. My apologies. 

While I didn't love The Rock as much as I did after previous viewings, it's still pretty good. However, my biggest complaint with the film is its lengths. Michael Bay has a habit of making "big ol' blockbusters" nearly two and a half hours and in doing so, really makes the movies drag on. The Rock is no exception and a large chunk of the movie feels like it was just thrown in for length and not substance (surprise!), especially toward the beginning when so called "character development" was thrown in to give more depth to the film. And for some reason, the US government found it be a genius idea to bring in an over-the-top flamboyant stylist into the mix to fix Connery's ragged look and long hair. Bay loves throwing in these little stupidities and at this point in my movie-watching "career", I can't really ignore them like I used to. Besides that, however, Cage and Connery are both good in their roles as they really just f**k about, doing whatever the hell they want. The Rock is a good reminder that Cage used to be able to carry an action flick as opposed to the crap he churns out every 15 minutes these days. The Rock also features some great special effects and chase sequences that use practical effects, as opposed to the constant CGI that now gives Bay constant hard-ons. This is one of the film's biggest strengths and a nice reminder of how movies used to be made, even if it was just 15 years ago. 

Coming in 2013: The Rock II: The Rock Rocks the Rock the Musical (featuring rock and roll covers of Disney songs)

I would definitely recommend The Rock as a mindless action movie to watch on a rainy day (by now, many of my recommendations are for rainy days so we can only pray for another 'Great Flood'). It's a great film to watch with your dad or even your son on a weekend when you're too lazy to do stuff around the house or you just feel like doing nothing. Keep in mind, it is a Michael Bay film and is far from a masterpiece, but it's enjoyable enough to recommend. It's also one of Connery's last films before he got pissed off at the world and retired from acting so seeing him hangout with Cage is quite the treat even if the characters they play are more than shallow. Watch it, enjoy it, and move on. Oh, and Ed Harris is f**king incredible. 

The Good:

solid action throughout the film with a nice chase sequence and plenty of explosions (all done with mostly real effects)

The Bad:

not enough of that action as there is way too much fluff stuffed inside the action bag

The Cage:

tame at times, neurotic when needed

Overall: 7.1/10

or

Three and a Half Cages out of Five

Got to love the voice-over

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Aug 18: The Weather Man

"A Chicago weather man, separated from his wife and children, debates whether professional and personal success are mutually exclusive."

Directed by: Gore Verbinski, Rated: R, 102 minutes

The Weather Man is a really out of place drama, blending too many elements and throwing in way too many subplots. The film follows a somewhat likable guy (Cage, of course), but nearly everyone around him has the devil in them. And when a large part of the movie deals with him struggling with those around him, trying to find a way to reconnect with them, it's hard to cheer him on. Why the hell should this guy WANT to be around these people? The film also features Michael Caine with an American accent. Yeah, it's weird and yes, it's not normal. The man in an incredible actor, no doubt about it, but his American accent is way too monotone and unconvincing. 

I mean, come on! Does the man even look remotely American?

The Weather Man follows David Spritz (Cage), an actual weather man in Chicago who goes day by day, avoiding fast food being thrown at him and doing what he calls the easiest job in the world. The man is well over-paid, yet he still finds ways to complain about his salary and continues to look for an opportunity to move ahead in his career. While this is natural for most people, you can't really complain about making $250,000 a year, "predicting" the weather in one of the country's biggest cities. As Spritz figures out his career, he's also struggling to stay relevant in the lives of his two kids, Mike (Nicholas Hoult) and Shelly (Gemmenne de la Pena). Both love their father, but when can't quite connect with David like they used to. His ex-wife (Hope Davis) has been able to move on, even dating again, all to the chagrin of David. His father, Robert (Michael Caine) seems to have lost all hope in life, after earning success in his younger years, and faces death after a cancer diagnosis. David can never seem to win the approval of his father and faced with the almost certain demise of his dad, tries even harder to show him that he's an honest, successful man. All of these problems pile on the man, and Spritz tries his hardest to find a way out, thinking a new (better) job in New York City holds all the answers. Throw in a pedophilia subplot, a fat kid who's rebellious for no apparent reason, and an odd fascination with archery, and The Weatherman comes together in a weird, weird way. 

F**k you, Katniss. Cage owns the bow. 

The acting is great throughout the film, but the characters are too hard to like to really care about. There's only so far solid acting can take unsympathetic characters. Director Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean) does manage to capture the dark humor and melancholy feel of the film very well, but by the movie's conclusion, you're left a little depressed. The characters change very little over the course of the movie as is pretty surprising as you'd think they would at least transform into more likable people. Sure, I understand that a part of this may be to make the film more realistic, but who watches movies for realism? I want my escape from reality, dammit, and I want my over-the-top Nicolas Cage. Cage is good, but he's almost completely lacking of his signature facial tics and has only one moment (or two) of him screaming. When I watch a Cage flick, I expect much more. The movie also features WAY too many product placements, plugging every fast food chain you can think of along with dozens of other items. 

You can only assume Wendy's paid to have a Frosty thrown at The Cage. 

I can't really tell you to watch or avoid The Weather Man because it's really in between good and bad. It's not awful, by any means, and has a few moments that are genuinely funny, but it's no masterpiece you need to run and see. Cage has had plenty of better films in his career but has also had far, far worse. If you're in desperate need of a Cage fix, and The Weather Man is on TV, it's not a bad movie to waste an afternoon with. 

The Good:

pretty good acting throughout, especially from Cage

The Bad:

that same acting destroyed by incredibly unlikable characters that make you more frustrated than anything else

The Cage:

normal, with great hair 

Overall: 6.3/10

or

Three Cages out of Five

Trailer:

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Aug 17: It Could Happen to You

"A police officer promises to share his lottery ticket with a waitress in lieu of a tip."

Directed by: Andrew Bergman, Rated: PG, 101 minutes

It Could Happen to You is an absolutely ridiculous film that's not hard to watch because it's so stupid, but because it's full of more cheese and fluff than some chubby kid's "epic" sandwich he makes after he gets home from fat camp. It's laughable at how much crap is thrown in the film and seeing Cage play lead in a "romantic comedy" feels so, so wrong. The Cage belongs in action movies or dramas where he has some unusual characteristic that makes him "quirky", not in a movie where he shares a lottery ticket with a waitress he just met and falls in love through the process. It's wrong, Cage. WRONG!

More entertaining. 

Cage plays a New York City cop named Charlie who's married to the total bitch, Muriel (Rosie Perez). When the film starts, the couple have been married for who knows how long, but they are clearly not in love. She wants everything and wants to be spoiled like Jennifer Lopez and he's a nice guy cop who volunteers and helps keep kids out of gangs. The two are completely polar opposites and right away you can tell the writers made Muriel as unlikable as possible so any new woman introduced would look like Mother Theresa. Enter Yvonne (Bridget Fonda), a struggling waitress who's just filed bankruptcy and can't afford the divorce she wants from her piece of shit husband (Stanley Tucci). She's beautiful, everyone likes her, and she continues to work paycheck to paycheck because she think's it all might get better. After Charlie visits her diner and has no money for a tip, he promises Yvonne that if he wins the lottery with a ticket he purchased earlier, he'd split the earnings with her as her tip. Of course, this movie would go absolutely nowhere if he didn't win, so Charlie finds out he won four million dollars and keeps to his promise, with much hatred from his wife. As the three people live in luxury and gain fame for their win (and Cage's tip), Muriel proves to be an even bigger bitch and Charlie finds refuge from it by hanging out with Yvonne. As the two explore New York City as any romance movie couple would, they fall in love. Muriel gets pissed, lawyers get involved, and blah, blah, blah. 

Money only tears people apart... or makes talentless whores celebrities. 

As this film came out in 1994, anything I say next can hardly be considered a spoiler. But, if you are dying to know what happens to Charlie and Yvonne and only want to find out by watching the movie, stop reading now. The two end up together, after much conflict in the courtroom as Muriel seeks a divorce and payment (as she believes the lotto earnings to be hers and hers alone). And as luck would have it, the love the cop and the waitress share steals the hearts of the millions of people leaving in NYC. The two are good seen as good Samaritans (giving out money, helping widows, donating to charities) and after they lose all of the money to Muriel, the city comes together and sends the couple thousands upon thousands pieces of mail containing "inspiring words" and of course, cash. So in the end, the two win their own lottery together, find love, and manage to become their own little celebrities in one of the biggest cities in the world. Now, I'm pretty sure NYC in 1994 wasn't THAT different than the Big Apple of today, but I could never, ever seen that many people coming together to give some random couple a bunch of cash. It's frickin' New York, not Smalltown, USA. They charge $9 for a cup of coffee. I highly doubt people would be willing to donate to the "cause" of two good people falling in love. It's a f**king ridiculous notion and the absolute worst way in the world to end an already horrible movie. 

Here strangers, have $600,000 because you're story is "sweet". Kind of. No, not really, but have it anyway. 

As you can imagine, I would highly recommend skipping It Could Happen to You. The only reason I watched this flick (besides the fact that it's Nic Cage Week), is because I wanted to see a lighter side to Cage. Plus, it was on TV and that coincidence just screams "WATCH ME NOW!". The film lacks any sort of intelligence and while the two lead characters are somewhat (somewhat!) likable, the stupidity of the script brutally murders anything good about the film. Instead of wasting money on this piece of crap, go out and buy yourself a lottery ticket. But, if you win, don't even think about sharing it with a stranger. Real life doesn't have this stupid sappy endings. 

The Good:
a decent cast that's ruined by a horrible script
The Bad:
that said script that tries to craft some modern day fairy-tale crafted around the notion that you can only be happy with money and that love just sits in the back seat while the cash flows in
The Cage:
very tame and very natural... not bad

Overall: 3.0/10

or

One and a Half Cages out of Five

Trailer:

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